The Function of Guilt vs. Shame
This blog entry is more intense than the previous two, so be mentally prepared for that.
Before we talk about the function of guilt and shame, let’s back up a hot second and talk about the function of feelings as a whole.
Feelings, whether they are pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral, provide us with data and information about what we value and what we care about. When we feel anxious, it’s a warning sign that something may be wrong and we need to pay attention. When we feel sad, it’s a moment to reflect on past experiences. When we feel loved, it’s a sign of support and to gravitate towards those who create that feeling.
As we experience situations that elicit strong emotions, we can assess – what are my emotions telling me that I value?
For example: I felt scared walking through a dark alley alone. I value my safety and my physical wellbeing. I felt excited when I got a promotion and a raise. I value my job, my work ethic, and my finances. I felt guilty that I yelled at my friend. I value our relationship and both of our needs.
Humans are connected by our ability to experience emotions. A person is not weak for experiencing emotions…the way we express those emotions reveals more about ourselves than the fact that we experience emotions in the first place.
Thus, there is no such thing as positive or negative emotions, but rather emotions that are more pleasant or unpleasant than others. For instance, anger and sadness may be seen as “negative” emotions, but they are absolutely the appropriate emotional responses to when we have been wronged in some way or something disappointing happens. If you watched someone commit a hit-and-run on your car, of course anger would be the reasonable response. Or if someone close to you died, of course sadness would be the normal response. They may be unpleasant emotions, but they are not bad things to feel when the time calls for them because they tell us what we care about, and we do not deserve judgment for experiencing those emotions.
Y’all with me so far? Alright let’s talk guilt and shame.
Guilt is feeling bad about what you have done. Shame is feeling bad about who you are.
Guilt is a healthy emotion and reaction. It often means you have done something that doesn’t align with your morals and values. It is not unusual for people to get into situations where they do things they later feel guilty about. What is important is making peace with your self and finding ways to move forward. Sometimes that means making up for things you’ve said and done (aka making amends). Sometimes that means setting new boundaries to ensure you don’t make that same choice in the future. And sometimes it means realizing you are feeling guilty unnecessarily (ex. others want you to make unwise choices with them, or others want you to behave in ways that align with their morals and values instead of your own).
Guilt can be a productive emotion because it motivates us to repair situations when needed. When we feel justifiably guilty, we recognize that our behaviors do not align with who we want to be or what we believe is right. It’s a red flag that redirects us on the right path toward acting more in line with our values in the future.
However, sometimes we not only feel bad, but we believe we are bad. As Dr. Kristin Neff says in her phenomenal Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook, “Shame stems from the innocent desire to be loved - to be worthy of affection and to belong. When we manage to be loved as infants, everything we need comes our way - food, clothing, shelter, and connection. As adults, we still need each other to survive - to protect ourselves from danger, to provide resources, and to sustain society. Shame is the feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with us that will render us unacceptable or unlovable in some way.” One of the major reasons shame is such an intense emotion is because it feels like our very survival and ability to function in society is at stake.
Take a second to picture something you feel ashamed of. How do you feel when you picture other people finding out about it? What lengths do you go to in order to assure it remains as hidden as possible? How do you imagine others responding to learning this about you? Pretty damn intense feeling, right? Shame locks into negative thought patterns and self-destructive behaviors, and it’s guaranteed to hold us back.
Shame tells us insidious things…like our imperfections make us unlovable, worthless, defective, inadequate, unwanted, powerless, disposable, not good enough… the list goes on.
And some people have a hard time letting go of shame because they see shame as an accountability tool. I regularly hear iterations of, “I don’t want to let myself get away with [insert mistake they made here] so I have to keep beating myself up or else I won’t learn from it.”
Here’s the thing though: shame is a crappy motivator for change. Take a second to picture a teacher or coach you had when you were a kid who you really liked, respected, and admired. When you made a mistake in front of them, did they yell at you, belittle you, mock you, remind you of that mistake every day, use that mistake as a reason to lose all faith in you? Or did they point out how to fix the mistake and encourage you to try different approaches until you were no longer making that same mistake? There was still accountability, like there was still recognition that you made a mistake that needed to be corrected. But we can hold ourselves accountable without punishing ourselves indefinitely for it.
And that is ultimately the difference between guilt and shame, right? Guilt is recognizing you made a mistake, but it doesn’t necessarily define your character (and thus your worth, lovability, and so forth) and therefore you have capacity to rectify it. Shame internalizes your mistakes and leads you to believe that because you made a certain mistake, you must be a bad person, because what kind of good person would behave that way??
Self-compassion, comprised of self-kindness, mindfulness, and connectedness to others, is the antidote to shame. To once again quote Dr. Neff, “By relating to our mistakes with kindness rather than self-judgment, remembering our common humanity instead of feeling isolated by our failures, and being mindful of our negative emotions (I feel bad) rather than identifying with them (I am bad), self-compassion directly dismantles the edifice of shame.”
Take another second to picture a time a loved one made a mistake that negatively impacted you. Something that didn’t warrant cutting them off but definitely not just a minor annoyance…maybe they said something hurtful, forgot about something important to you, told a significant lie, etc. What did it take to forgive them? For most people, an acknowledgement of their mistake and an apology is a good start. Often times some sort of amends or promise to do better in the future paired with actual follow through seems like enough.
So when you feel guilty about a mistake you made, it’s fair to ask: what will it take to forgive yourself? Am I accepting responsibility for my actions? Have I done everything in my power to make amends to whoever I hurt? If someone else committed the same mistake and took the same course of action to repair the damage, would I more readily forgive them? If so, can I grant myself permission to forgive myself too?
Please know, you are not alone in making mistakes and regretting past actions. I don’t know anyone who can confidently look back on their life and say, “No notes, I did 100% of things completely perfectly on the first try and I have zero moments of acting in ways that with reflection I could have handled differently.” And if you know someone like that, run, because that sounds terrifying. Hell, even Beyoncé starred in a movie called Carmen: A Hip Hopera. Every human makes mistakes, and every human is imperfect.
Please do something kind for yourself today, for you are indeed worthy of kindness even when you’ve made mistakes.
